When compassion becomes your biggest weakness in a world that rewards hardness.
“You Too Dey Feel Am”, The Culture That Punishes Kindness
In Nigeria, we grow up being told:
“Be patient.”
“Endure.”
“Don’t let your good heart change.”
But what if that good heart is the very thing holding you back?
What if the reason you’re constantly drained, broke, disappointed, and emotionally exhausted isn’t bad luck, it’s over-feeling?
Because in this country, too much empathy can finish you.
From Kindness to Chaos
Let me tell you about Funmi, a friend from Ibadan.
Funmi was the kind of person everyone trusted, always ready to help, always saying “no wahala.”
When her cousin lost his job, she let him move in “for a few weeks.”
Three years later, he was still there, eating, complaining, and contributing nothing.
When she tried to set boundaries, her family said, “You’ve changed.”
When she finally said “enough,” they called her wicked.
Funmi didn’t lose her cousin.
She lost her peace, her money, her sleep, and herself.
That’s what too much empathy does: it makes you bleed quietly while others call you an angel.
Why Empathy Hurts More in Nigeria
Because here, emotional labor is currency.
We glorify suffering, especially in silence.
- You lend money you can’t afford to lose, because “what will people say?”
- You let friends cross boundaries, because you don’t want drama.
- You forgive lovers who’ve lied and cheated, because “at least he said sorry.”
We call it compassion.
But it’s often emotional slavery dressed as virtue.
The Psychological Truth (Nobody Talks About This)
Empathy without limits triggers what psychologists call compassion fatigue, a mental burnout from caring too much for too long.
You start losing focus.
Your productivity drops.
Your relationships drain instead of recharge.
And eventually, you begin resenting the very people you were trying to help.
That’s why many Nigerians are tired but can’t explain why.
Because it’s not Lagos traffic wearing them down , it’s people.
How Manipulators Use Your Kindness
Let’s be honest:
In a system built on survival, people smell empathy like sharks smell blood.
- That boss who keeps giving you extra tasks “because you’re reliable”?
He’s not praising you, he’s exploiting you. - That friend who only calls when they need money?
They’re not struggling, they’re using your softness as a strategy. - That partner who plays victim every time you confront them?
They’ve learned your empathy is a shield they can hide behind.
In Nigeria, empathy without boundaries turns you into a resource, not a human being.
How to Keep Your Heart and Still Win
- Set Boundaries Without Explanation
You don’t owe anyone a full TED Talk on why you’re saying “no.” - Don’t Mistake Guilt for Goodness
Feeling bad for protecting your peace doesn’t mean you’re wrong. - Give Intentionally, Not Emotionally
Don’t help out of impulse, help out of wisdom. - Recognize Emotional Parasites
If every interaction leaves you drained, it’s not love, it’s a transaction. - Be Kind, Not Naïve
You can love people and still keep your distance. That’s not pride, it’s power.
The Real Strength Is Balance
True strength in this world isn’t in hardening your heart, it’s in controlling who has access to it.
You can be warm and wise.
Soft but strategic.
Empathetic but not exploitable.
The Awakening
One day, you’ll stop apologizing for being careful with your kindness.
You’ll stop explaining why you’re not available for every emotional emergency.
And when that day comes, peace will taste like freedom.
If you’ve ever been told you’re “too soft,” “too emotional,” or “too kind”
remember: you’re not weak. You’re just learning how to protect your power.
Share this with someone who always gives too much.
They need to know empathy doesn’t mean martyrdom.
Then visit EuniceIrewole.com/blog for more unapologetic truths about the modern African mind , where we unlearn the lies that keep us small.
